So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
