Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
