I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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