Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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