do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize