life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
