took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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