i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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