my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
