Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
