best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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