It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
why do cheetos always look like penises
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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