the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize