That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
