i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
