Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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