i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
