You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
