dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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