Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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