hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
