3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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