By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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