"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
