Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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