Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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