I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
