I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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