I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I will be naked everywhere
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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