____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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