You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
