I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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