i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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