I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
