I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
