You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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