She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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