dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My dad just said "fuck circus"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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