did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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