I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
being pregnant is like rehab
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
