It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They have beer where we have blood.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
