I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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