Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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