My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
