I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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