I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
