My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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