I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
