sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
