I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
