Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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