in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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