Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
