did you get engaged???
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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