I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
