that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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