I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
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