if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
