is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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