Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
