I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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