my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
