Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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