I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
