final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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